Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages

In sacramental marriage we have all be the grace we need to make our marriages successful.  But as Jesus says, in this world we shall have tribulation.  While we should rely on Jesus to help us overcome these irritations and stresses–and while we should pray constantly for our spouses to do the same–we also need some hands-on pragmatic tools that we can use to help our marriages become great marriages, or in some cases get the relationship off the road to ruin.

That’s why this book:

The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages

is such a great resource (a Godsend, perhaps?).  It is pragmatic, easy to understand and offers gender-specific advice for husbands and wives.  In other words, it addresses specific things that men can do to improve the relationship with a woman and vice-versa, because just as men and women react differently and think differently and find different comforts in a relationship (and different stresses!), husbands and wives can do different things to help their marriage.

Here are two things that this book REALLY DIFFERENT!

First: it is based on DATA! What the author of this book did was survey people about their marriages.  Surveys, interviews, follow-up interviews–not just ideas or thoughts but what couples actually told her they did and why–and the reactions of their spouses from the spouses themselves.

Second: She was interested in what made the “happy” couples happy. Most marriage books are about how to fix bad marriages, aren’t they? Instead, she went for the happy marriages and compared them to the less happy marriages. She surveyed couples and found the ones in which both spouses answered “Yes” to the question:

Are you personally, generally happy in your marriage these days and enjoying being married?

These couples are the “highly happy couples” and she interviewed them to find out what they were doing–then she compared them to the less-happy ones.  Many of these “highly happy” couples could not even identify what they were doing because the habits are so small, habitual and gender-specific, so it took some digging and re-interviewing.

Lots of comparisons and anecdotes make the results clear and actionable.

Five Little Things That Make a Big Difference

Before leaping into the list of a dozen or so (learnable) habits of the “highly happy,” she noted some little things that jumped out and established the foundation for everything.  And she noted that they were different little things for the wives than for the husbands.

For Wives (signs you appreciate the gift of your husband):

• Notice his effort and sincerely thank him for it
• Say “You did a great job at ___________.”
• Mention in front of others something that he did well
• Show that you desire him sexually
• Make it clear that he makes you happy

For Husbands (happy wives said they loved these things):

• Take her hand
• Leave her messages during the day
• Put your arm around her when sitting next to her in public
• Tells her sincerely that you think she is beautiful
• Pulls yourself out of a funk when you’re morose, grumpy or upset, instead of withdrawing.

Here’s some (more in the book) of the other things “highly happy” spouses do

Believe the Best
Have an attitude of goodwill.  Assume the best of your spouse and act on the best. Always think that the other spouse would never have done something knowing that it would make the other feel bad.  This is statistically true as well, born out of the research for this book (and these books, too).  Spouses really do not want to hurt each other intentionally.

Go to Bed Mad
If you can’t resolve conflict and anger before bedtime, sleep on it.  If the anger remains in the morning, then don’t let it go unresolved.  (Sometimes being tired can make you angry.) Sometimes you just need some sleep.  And there is a difference between resolving your anger and resolving the issue. This book has great advice from couples about how to tell the difference!

Keep Score
Keep score of what you owe your spouse. Highly happy couples keep track of what their spouse is doing, and what their spouse needs, and how you can serve him,  not what you are doing and how much you need.  This keeps away resentment.  If you do this, especially during busy times, you will also see a change in your spouse over time.  

Boss Your Feelings Around
Stop a negative train of thought or action, replace unhappy or angry thoughts or actions with positive ones, in order to change your feelings. In a bad situation, for example, where you spouse stayed out too late and missed your special dinner date, do not explode. Instead, state the problem that just happened and move on. Changing how you react changes how you feel.  The more couples choose to stop focusing on and thinking about their annoyance, the happier they will be with their spouses and in their marriage. 

Stick to the Facts
Do not long for something that is difficult or impossible to deliver; instead expect and be grateful for the ways your husband can meet your needs.  Also, explain what you need.  Don’t expect your husband to magically guess what you need at that moment.  Giving up your expectations usually results in getting back the love you wanted all along.

Use Sign Language
When you inevitably experience hurt feelings and conflict, at some point reconnect by sharing some private signal that says, “We’re OK.”  In the book the author points out ways that couples signal each other that everything is OK, and they can do it in public without anyone else knowing in order to reassure the other spouse when they are going through a difficult time or issue in their marriage.

Hang Out
Maybe the most well-known advice, but remember that marriage is a friendship.  A happy spouse looks at the other person as their best and closest friend, a friend they want to stay close to no matter what.  Do “friendly” things together.  And overcome challenges together.

DON’T Tell It Like It Is
Treat your spouse with intentional kindness.  Joke and challenge, but never do it in a way that your spouse would perceive as disrespectful or hurtful.  Do not be “brutally” honest, pull your punches.  If you wouldn’t say it that way to a close friend, do not say it that way to your spouse.

There are more “surprising secrets” in the book which I won’t give away–but here is another key takeaway:

Even if only one spouse does these things, it makes the whole marriage happier!

That’s right: These “secrets” do work in transforming a relationship even if you are the only one trying to do them!

Here’s another bit of advice she offers: don’t try to learn them all at once! Implement them one-at-a-time (New Year’s Resolutions, anyone?) and keep at it.

• Identify what you are already doing well.
• Choose one habit to work on at a time.
• Don’t wait for the perfect time – start now.
• Plug into community – share with a friend how it is going.
• Listen to and lean on God – ask Him to help you with what you should start with.
• Create Reminders – otherwise the busy-ness of life will make you forget.
• Stick with it – all of these habits are based on choice, not feelings.
• Be generous with yourself – don’t beat yourself up if you stumble.
• Celebrate results.

PS We also have this book set (one for men about women, one for women about men) that is fantastic. Written and produced by the same methodical and in-depth research approach. We give the set to newlyweds as a wedding present!